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Jan. 9th, 2013

Vidia
So I'm starting to realize that my selection of Harry Potter fanfic has become less about ships that I like and more about finding fics that aren't terribly cliche, ridiculous, or both. This has led to me reading things like Snape/Harry and Lucius/Harry even when anyone who has said Snape or Lucius' name in my presence recently can tell you that I actually fucking hate the both of them and that honestly in a BDSM context I would sooner trust Harry's safety and happiness to Voldemort than I would trust it to either of them.

I don't really know what to do about this problem. I'm just whining because I want there to be more decent HP fic.

Okay.

Vidia
me: [My history professor] took us on a history walk through the town last Monday and showed us all of the places in [city where I live] that were important to the Third Reich, like where the Gestapo was and where the Jews who were about to be deported were held... It was eerie.
mom: I bet!
mom: I'm thinking it was like Jerusalem. Only Jerusalem was a good thing, that was about Jesus, this is about Satan.
mom: Just evil!
me: Jerusalem was hardly just about Jesus. I spent an entire day at the Jewish quarter, and the Western Wall, and the Temple Mound is mostly known these days for being the third most important Mosque in the Islamic faith.
mom: Yeah, but to me, it was mostly about Jesus.
me: Okay.


I don't think I can possibly write out how very very deadpan that "Okay" was. Yes, mom, please redefine my life experiences through the lens of your religion (It should be noted here that my mother has never been to Israel or to Europe.) and then try to tell me what they were about. Why would I mind that? I mean, it's not like I'm my own person with my own interpretation of my life or like the ridiculous extremes you went to to force your religion on me* ruined our relationship for years in the not-so-distant past and are still painful and triggering for me to think about or anything.

Idk. Maybe this is a petty thing to be skeeved or irritated by, but I'm kind of skeeved and irritated anyway.


*To sum it up pretty succinctly... My older brother did every illegal drug in existence and committed armed robbery. I converted to Wicca. We were treated pretty much the same, except I got yelled at a lot more and was dragged out of bed in the middle of the night to explain myself slightly more often.

Real Talk

Kitten Charlie
I am judging the Hell out of all of the straight people on ontd_f and ontd_p right now going "What?! Queer men are capable of being misogynist?! OMG I totally never even thought of this before!"

Yeah. So much judging is being done right now.

Dear Dreams: Shut the Fuck Up.

Vidia
In which I spill my guts about my childhood and family bullshit. Tw: for misogynist language used against a child and non-graphic mentions of self-injuring.Collapse )

So. Yeah. Um. This entry doesn't really have any closure.

I really don't feel any better for writing this. Funny. It's probably the lack of closure.

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Sep. 3rd, 2012

Vidia
Okay, so I just deactivited my facebook account because reasons. Nothing too scary or anything, just... reasons. I think I might make a new one under a fake name. Or not. I really don't know right now.

I'm definitely making a new Yahoo Messenger account, though. (Completely unrelated.)

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Vidia
U mad sis? 'Cuz I aint even mad—Cut for large font/imagesCollapse )

Okay, so I honestly think I am literally going to scream if one more person of any religious background tries to tell me I'm wrong for not celebrating Christmas. More on that thing I just said, sans the colors and the enlarged sizes and the images.Collapse )

Jun. 3rd, 2012

Vidia
Dear mom:

I DO NOT WEAR 2XL. I DIDN'T WEAR 2XL THE LAST TIME YOU BOUGHT ME CLOTHES, I DID NOT WEAR 2XL THE TIME BEFORE THAT WHEN YOU BOUGHT ME CLOTHES, AND I DO NOT WEAR 2XL TODAY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO SHAME ME ABOUT MY CLOTHES SIZE THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS STOP BUYING MY CLOTHES THAT ARE MUCH TOO BIG.

I feel like I'm being set-up. I tell her these clothes are too big, and she buys them for me anyway and then shames me for how big they are and completely gaslights me when I tell her that my clothes are clearly much too big. It sucks. Seriously, we went shopping in early May and I was wearing Larges, maybe XL if my shoulders were too broad for a certain style. Two weeks later she's coming home with a 2XL dress for me. WTF I DID NOT GO UP TWO DRESS SIZES IN TWO WEEKS AND WHEN I WEAR THAT DRESS IT IS OBVIOUS IT'S TOO BIG. And I pointed this out to her. And today she came home with clothes for me and they were... 2XL.

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Vidia
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. I have tried to make that decision. I have been trying for months, and do you know what it's gotten me? Several panic attacks, a complete train-wreck of a semester, and more mornings than I can count where getting out of bed seemed like the most terrifying thing I had ever done. I am not unhappy because I want to be unhappy. I am unhappy because the chemistry in my brain won't let me be anything else. For a while it even had me convinced that if I tried to get help, no one would believe me and it would just make everything so much worse.

Ugh.